Sweeney Todd: THE MOVIE
by lock shock and barrel
Summary: Haven't seen the Sweeney Todd movie? Don't plan on it? See it here! read it here?


A/n: Sorry for grammar errors; I SO did not feel like reading this gain.

We begin with a rather awesome organ intro, true to Sondheim. London shows up, and it's semi-animated, semi-drawn by one of those creepy emo people. It's also raining, which implies FORESHADOWING OF BAD BAD EVENTS. Some of the raindrops are red, but no one really notices until the camera focuses on a large window, through which you can see a creepy mechanical barber chair. A red rain drop slashes onto the window. Because it's red, it probably symbolizes blood or something. We enter the room and the walls are bleeding. The music continues, but without a chorus. Nope. No Ballad Ghosts. Anyway, we follow the drippy drippy blood onto the floor and under the grates and such, and it falls through the board and forms the title as the music explodes, still sans a chorus. There is an excess of Very Fake Blood and it gets sort of redundant until it spills out through the gutters and into the ocean. And the music fades.

A boat in the ocean An Incredibly Effeminate Sailor steps out and gushes about how great London is. His name is Antony. Sweeney Depp crushes Antony's heart because he hates London and wears black eyeliner. There's about thirty seconds of song, and then the boat docks at the port. What? They were totally in the middle of the ocean thirty seconds ago. As Sweeney Depp said, London industrial London blows. The whole movie appears to be in some sort of blue-black-and-white tone. Sweeney Depp talks about a barber and his wife, via Very Glowy Flashback. Judge Snape sends the police to beat down Benjamin Depp and steal his sexy sexy wife. Antony is all "Oh, okay. Can we be friends now?" And Sweeney Depp stomps away in the general direction of Fleet Street.

That crazy ass transition music runs us around through the streets of London, which appear to be animated again, and Sweeney Depp arrives at Mrs. Lovett's meat pie shop. There's also a dog. Sweeney Depp steps into his impending doom. There's a viciously pale woman in there, who appears to be killing pie dough. Sweeney Depp decides to leave, but Helena Lovett suddenly notices him and demands he eat one of her shitty pies. She also nails giant cockroaches with her rolling pin and puts them in said pies. She's also wearing fishnet glove type things. Righto. Also, when he's drinking the ale, Johnny Depp makes that weirdass gurgly sound he did in Edward Scissorhands. Just wanted to let you know. So anyway, Helena Lovett tells Sweeney Depp that times is hard, and Sweeney Depp doesn't care. Helena Lovett gets him some gin and shows him her lovely livingroom/house with wallpaper she stole from the burning chapel. Sweeney Depp wonders why she doesn't rent out the room above her shop. Helena Lovett says no one would live in it because it's haunted by Ghosts of the Past. She proceeds to tell Sweeney Depp about a barber and his wife, via another Very Glowy Flashback. Judge Snape sends Lucy flowers every day while the Beadle watches, looking _very_ interested. Lucy is upset because her husband was arrested and sent to Australia for having a hot wife. One day Judge Snape has a masquerade and Lucy is invited. Yay! But Judge Snape is nowhere to be seen. Helena Lovett implies that bad bad things happened and everyone at the party laughed. Sweeney Depp is not pleased. He demands to know where his wife is. Helena Lovett tells him that Lucy poisoned herself, and that she seriously really tried to stop her, honestly, but it didn't work. Oh, and also, Judge Snape took his daughter. Sweeney Depp throws down his leather pinstripe coat in anger and announces he will have his revenge.

Helena Lovett takes Sweeney Depp upstairs into a very Burton-esque room with gross yellow wallpaper. Sweeney Depp looks at a baby crib of symbolism. For some reason, it seemed like a good idea to Helena Lovett to save Sweeny's razors rather than stop Judge Snape from taking his daughter. But that's okay, because Sweeney Depp comes quite close to making out with the razors. Helena Lovett is jealous. Half of this scene is shot as a reflection in the razor. Sweeney Depp says very unconvincingly that his arm is complete again, and looks uncannily like an even more messed up Edward Scissorhands.

An Incredibly Effeminate Sailor wanders around in the street. He's a very pathetic sailor. Johanna sits up in her window and looks at her bird. She's really creepy looking. She has yellow hair. She sings about birds while Judge Snape looks at her through a hole in the wall. Somehow, Antony can hear her sing through what looks like bullet-proof glass windows and stands outside the gate and looks really girly. Johanna just kind of...sits there. A Crazy Beggar Woman molests Antony into giving her some money. Her face is cleverly hidden by her bonnet, but she's probably not at all important. After being molested, Antony walks around the Giant Gates and Judge Snape is sitting outside the door and beckons Antony to come in. Antony is just like "Oooo-kay...?" Antony says he fails at being a sailor. Upon hearing this, Judge Snape offers him various sorts of 1800's porn with weird Asian music in the background. Antony appears o be terrified, and Judge Snape gets all up in his face, like "YOU SCANDALOUS SAILOR YOU GANDERED AT MY WARD! NOW YOU CANNOT EVER BE FREE!" and sends the Beadle to beat him down with his retractable cane. Even though he's bleeding quite profusely, Antony walks around the house and belts out his song. Some random guy gives him a strange look.

People are in St. Dunstan's square. Helena Lovett and Sweeney Depp walk around broodingly. A certain Eyetalian has his cart set up in the center of the square. Sweeney Depp suddenly sees the Beadle and reaches for his razors, which he apparently carries around with him, but Helena Lovett reminds him that killing people in broad daylight isn't always a good idea. Suddenly, a little blonde kid jumps out of the cart and demands people to pay attention to him because OHMAHGOD, Pirelli has this kick-ass elixir that makes your hair grow back. The ten year old alludes to sex for a while until Sweeney Depp informs the crowd that the elixir is piss. And then out of the cart leaps SASCHA BARON COHEN IN A BRIGHT BLUE SUIT. But this isn't the best part. Not only is he wearing a bright blue suit with a purple cape and white gloves, because the blue suit is so very tight, everything is quite visible down there. And it's pretty obvious this was planned. Anyway, Sweeney Depp challenges Sascha Pirelli to a barber-off, with the Beadle judging it. For some reason, the Beadle's gloves lack the first two fingers on one side, and the last two on the other. Yeah. Sascha Pirelli does his bit, and apparently he has a razor made of gold, which seems really impractical. He hits a high C for about five minutes and looks strangely like a dinosaur, and in this time Sweeney Depp has magically finished shaving the dude who came up, even though...he had no beard to begin with. So Sweeney Depp wins five pounds and Sascha Pirelli alludes very elusively that they may meet again. Sweeney Depp is all "Sure whatever" and goes to kissass the Beadle. The Beadle's voice is annoying as shit, but he proceeds to tell Sweeney Depp, in the most drawn out manner possible, that he will go to the tonsorial parlor IN FLEET STREET before the week is out. Sweeney Depp smiles creepily and promises to give the Beadle the closest shave he will ever know. Foreshadow!

The most boring scene in any production this musical. Sweeney Depp paces angrily and throws things. Helena Lovett suggests that maybe they should clean the place up a bit since it's fugly as hell considering no one's lived in it for fifteen years. At this suggestion, Sweeney Depp growls and plays with his razor. Nothing really happens, except the scene is partially filmed in a Broken Mirror of Overwhelming Symbolism. Antony comes skipping in, and he is Very Excited because he just saw a pretty girl and they're going to get married because she gave him a key to their house, but he needs to steal her and stuff because her father is a Mean Oppressive Judge. Helena Lovett agrees to let Johanna stay in the flat until they go to Plymouth. Antony turns to Sweeney Depp and pleads "PLEASE MR. DEPP YOU'RE MY BESTEST FRIEND". Unable to stand Antony's whining anymore, Sweeney Depp grumbles an approval. Antony happily skips his way out. Helena Lovett tells Sweeney Depp that yay he finally gets his daughter back after all these years.

"YES BUT THEN THAT FAIRY OF A SAILOR IS GOING TO TAKE HER AWAY TO SOME NONDESCRIPT PLACE THE BASTARD" shouts Sweeney Depp. He is Very Angry. Helena Lovett suggests just killing Antony when he comes back. This seems like a stupid idea to Sweeney Depp and he throws things. But before they can think of a better idea, Sascha Pirelli and Toby show up. Helena Lovett keeps Toby downstairs to feed him with gross meat pies and sends Sascha Pirelli, who appears to be wearing a coat made out of every single polar bear in the world, up to see Sweeney Depp. Sweeney Depp is all "The hell you doing here," to which Sascha Pirelli responds "Yeah remember that one time when I was a little cockney kid that got sacked when Judge Snape sent you to Australia for having a sexy sexy wife? Well unless you give me half your pay, I'mma go tell the law on you." Suddenly, Sweeney Depp whips the teakettle off the stove and BEATS SASCHA PIRELLI IN THE FACE WITH IT. Downstairs, Toby talks about being an orphan. Mrs. Lovett is just like "...yeah, I really care." For some reason, Toby remembers that Sascha Pirelli has a tailor appointment to make his blue suit even tighter, and runs upstairs. Sweeney Depp is drinking tea, even though he just beat someone in the head with the kettle, and tells Toby, very...seriously... that Signor Pirelli has been called away. Even though he never actually saw Pirelli leave, Toby decides to wait for him and sits on the trunk where Dead-Pirelli is. Sascha Pirelli's hand is still hanging out of the trunk, and somehow Toby didn't notice that. Also, Pirelli's fingers are twitching throughout this entire scene. Sweeney Depp tells Toby to go downstairs and get smashed, to which Toby promptly responds "OKAY!" and runs back down. Once Toby is gone, Sweeney Depp takes his razor, carefully opens the trunk, and watches Sascha Pirelli try to pull himself out, because apparently getting beaten down with a teakettle doesn't kill people these days. After Pirelli attempts to get up, Sweeney Depp grabs his (Pirelli's, that is) head and slits his throat. Pirelli flops around as Very Realistic Red Blood shoots out of his neck. And so begins the dead body count.

Meanwhile, Toby and Mrs. Lovett are still downstairs, and Toby is busy getting wasted. Helena Lovett needs to go upstairs and see why Sweeney Depp is taking such a long time to talk to Sascha Pirelli, and leaves a ten year old with a bottle of gin. Yaey. She goes upstairs and is all "Damn, that ten year old can pack it away." And Sweeney Depp is just like, "Yeah, I killed that Italian guy." Helena Lovett is Very Surprised, and also there's a dead body in the trunk. Sweeney Depp recounts how Sascha Pirelli was gonna tell the law on him, and Helena Lovett is relieved and steals the dead guy's purse. I kind of forget what happens here.

Some courthouse. Probably the Old Bailey, actually. Judge Snape sentences someone TO DEATH because they DISOBEYED TEH LAW. He does his sentencing in the most dry, monotone voice possible. The camera cuts to the criminal, and it's this little redhead kid that's probably ten years old. The Beadle grins creepily.

Outside the Old Bailey. Judge Snape announces that he's going to marry Johanna, and the Beadle is all "Oh fan-bloody-tastic." Except for some strange reason, Johanna doesn't WANT to marry Judge Snape. The Beadle suggests that maybe if he got a shave, Johanna would find him to be the sexiest old man alive. Judge Snape is all, "RIGHT-O!" and does not sing about ladies and their sensitivities.

Helena Lovett and Sweeney Depp are still sitting up in the Tonsorial Parlor. All of a sudden, JUDGE SNAPE COMES! Sweeney Depp tells Helena Lovett to GET OUT OF HIS TONSORIAL PARLOR RIGHT NOW. Judge Snape starts to come up the stairs, except Sweeney Depp just realized he still has blood on his shirt from when he was killing Pirelli. OOPS. He swiftly dons a random jacket just before the Judge enters. Judge Snape is all, "Your shop looks like a shithole, but the Beadle tells me that your barber skills are epic." Sweeney Depp answers, "Well that's nice of him, considering HE HASN'T COME HERE YET. Ahem." Anyway, Judge Snape feels the need to get uncomfortably close to Sweeney Depp's face while he's talking about marrying his daughter. Also, the color of his pants and the way the lighting is make it look like he has no pants on, which is Very Disturbing. Then, right in the middle of Sweeney Depp's epic plot for teh revenge, Antony skips in to inform Sweeney Depp that he's marrying Johanna, if he'd forgotten. Appalled, Judge Snape storms out the door, telling Sweeney Depp that he will NEVER COME TO HIS SHOP AGAIN. Antony is all "OOPS SORRY MR. DEPP" and Sweeney Depp chases him out. Helena Lovett runs up the stairs to ask what the hell is going on here, and Sweeney Depp screams about how we all deserve to die. He then runs out into the street, where people who are apparently frozen are standing around and he threatens them with shaves and kneels down in front of a Very Symbolic Church, yelling that he is full of joy. And...he magically appears back in the shop. Helena Lovett is just like, "Yeah, that's great. But there's still a dead Italian in the trunk."

Downstairs, Helena Lovett finds Toby completely wasted on the floor. She and Sweeney Depp wonder what on earth they're going to do with this dead body. Suddenly, Helena Lovett has an idea. You know, she says, it seems a downright shame. Sweeney Depp doesn't really pay attention because he's drinking his gin. Helena Lovett allusions that maybe, since her pies are really shitty, that they should use dead people to fill them. Sweeney Depp exclaims "OMG THAT'S TEH BEST IDEA EVOR". Lala, have a little priest and such, we know how this goes. If you think I'm parodying ten minutes of song, you're shitting wrong. At some point Sweeney Depp threatens Helena Lovett with a huge cleaver and it's strangely sexy. But I think it's supposed to be. They strike a pose in the window, more specifically, the famous (or infamous) Sweeney-Lovett-razor-rolling pin pose that Angela and Len so love to do. And Sweeney Depp's voice totally drowns out that of Helena Lovett, so the harmony at the end is actually a solo.

END OF ACT ONE! YAEY!

I kind of forgot the order of things, but I'm almost positive that it's the reopening of Helena Lovett's pie shop. Anyway, there's people walking around and being all WOW PIES, and Toby demands that people come into the shop. Except for...there's no chorus. The title of the song isn't even part of the song now. (Am I the only one who, when first reading the title name, thought of something sexual?) The people eat the pies really disgustingly. I think the extras were too excited about being in a movie. Anyway, Helena Lovett pesters her customers and Toby chases off the Crazy Beggar Lady who randomly shows up. Sweeney Depp prowls around on his stoop. Nothing really interesting goes on, because Sweeney Depp does not receive a magical barber chair. I think he actually made it at some point in act one. But I forgot. I forgot a lot of the movie, despite the fact I've seen it three times. BUT I DIGRESS. There is about two minutes of actual song, and the Crazy Beggar Lady is defeated. Toby is mean to her.

At Judge Snape's house, Johanna is packing her bags so she can go marry Antony. Apparently she didn't count on the fact that Judge Snape does in fact live in the house, because said Judge enters the room with the Beadle OMG. Johanna is all "A gentleman knocks before entering a lady's room", to which Judge Snape replies (monotonously), "Indeed he does, but I see no lady." BURN. Then he tells Johanna he's sending her to the crazy house for being a scandalous wench. Oops. The Beadle attacks Johanna and carries her outside and into a carriage, which is presumably going to the direction of the loony bin. Amazingly, Antony is walking on this particular street and screams and runs after the carriage with a rather unmanly-like gait. The music swells.

Some hill under the most giant tree ever. Helena Lovett is dressed like Reno Sweeney (oh ho!) and she and Sweeney Depp and Toby are having themselves a picnic. Toby is flying a kite. For a ten year old, he's really tall...ANYway, Helena Lovett talks about unimportant things and Sweeney Depp is just all "Must kill the Judge". Since Sweeney Depp is her toy, Helena Lovett doesn't care about him wanting to kill the Judge, and proceeds to tell him about her dreams. Sweeney Depp is enthralled. What is next to come is by far the most insane thing I have ever seen. I truly can't even describe it, because of how messed up it is. But I will try.

The camera shifts up into the sky, which grows blue and seagully. It focuses back down on a beach scene, behind a pair of people who are dressed in what apparently are 1800's style swimsuits. And then we see who they are. It is, and I'm not at all kidding, Helena Bonham Carter in a frilly blue dress thing with purple sunglasses, and Johnny Depp in a striped con-esque swimming getup. He looks ready to kill all the little kids at the beach. He keeps this expression for the entirety of the song. Despite this, Helena Lovett tells him how great it would be to live by the sea. Cue the strangely colorful By The Sea montage. Most of the montage is just Helena Lovett in fluffy dresses and Sweeney Depp looking really angry. Except then they're walking down some pier thing with Toby (who has those weird wing-tipped shoes), and Helena Lovett is all "Sex?" and Sweeney Depp is just like "..." Except they don't say anything because Helena Lovett is singing over the montage. But they're so saying that. Anyway, then they're in a Very Glowy Chapel and getting married and stuff. Helena Lovett says her 'I do' very dramatically. Sweeney Depp does one of those 'please God shoot me' nods, and then initiates the most weirdly robotic awkward kiss ever. No joke, it's worse than those 6th graders that are afraid of holding hands. It also takes about five minutes. Then they're back on the beach (sans bathing suits, though. I mean they're wearing clothes, but normal ones. Case I lost you there...Also, I just noticed that Helena Lovett was in a nice rich navy and Sweeney Depp was in stripes. Perhaps.) and Toby is there too. He and Sweeney Depp have the same expression on. It's scary. The camera swoops back up and they're back under the tree as the music fades.

Back in the parlor. Sweeney Depp broods and plays with his razor. This scene is filmed in a Mirror of Symbolism, too. Helena Lovett comes in and is all "What did your Lucy even look like?" And Sweeney Depp just stands there broodingly and at some point answers, "She had yellow hair." And it's really depressing, especially since musical!Sweeney has an entire song about different types of yellow hair.

Some ominous dark street. Antony is walking around and looks very distressed. He can't find Johanna, but he's sure she'll turn up. Cut to Sweeney Depp's parlor. He has good business tonight. A lot of people walk in for a shave, except for they get DEAD. Sweeney Depp apparently can shave people without looking at them, since most of the time he sings about his long lost family and stares out the window, but still manages to get clean cut. Then he uses his magical barber chair to chute them into Helena Lovett's basement, and they fall and crash on their heads with really gross sound effects and my mom was LAUGHING while this was happening and I was just like "Dude, not cool." the Crazy Beggar Lady tells people that there's mischeif a-brewin', but nobody cares. Antony walks around what appears to be an open-air butcher shop and possibly an attempt at humor. Sweeney Depp has another customer, but the customer's wife and child are sitting in the shop so Sweeney Depp spares his life because he's actually a good person and stuff, and this is probably one of my favorite scenes in the musical. And then Antony walks through an Overly Symbolic Graveyard and passes bells and sculpted angels. Cold and monumental. And symbolic. Sweeney Depp announces it's another bright red day, and the song fades.

I think still in the parlor. Damn, Sweeney Depp spends a lot of time up here. He plays with his razor. I think Helena Lovett is there, too. Antony rushes in and announces that the mean oppressive judge sent Johanna to the crazy house, to which Sweeney Depp grins creepily and tells Antony to go and pretend to be a wigmaker's apprentice. But...doesn't give him any instruction. Alrighty. Then later, Sweeney Depp writes a note to the Judge, which happens to be the lyrics to the Wigmaker sequence note and is really awesome, and tells Toby to go give it to Judge Snape. Toby dislikes Sweeney Depp because he won't let him go eat food. Aw.

I forget what happens here. I think it's just Sweeney Depp sitting around in his parlor. And playing with his razor. Sweeney Todd is a musical about sex. Not about revenge or tragedy. Sex.

Helena Lovett is sleeping in her parlor and snoring very unladylikely. Toby walks in and is all I LOVE YOU. He tells her that nothing's gonna harm her, not while he's around. Helena Lovett gives him some money and tells him to go away and get some candy because he's getting in the way of her making out with Sweeney Depp. Except Toby recognizes the purse she stole from Sascha Pirelli. OOPS. Helena Lovett is all I SO DID NOT STEAL THIS FROM A DEAD MAN, AND ALSO THINK OF WHAT MR. TODD DOES FOR ME. I MEAN US. She cradles Toby and he is adorable. Woah. I happen to be listening to this exact part in the song AT THIS MOMENT. Anyway, Helena Lovett suggests that she and Toby go down to the cellar so she can lock him in there. Toby approves.

The huge creepy cellar. There is a huge-ass meat grinder with chunks of meat in it. Helena Lovett tells Toby to crank it three times through, and leaves him down there because he's VERY enthralled in this whole process. She goes back up the stairs and locks the door, except it's sad because she's crying and there's this little violin playing Not While I'm Around. AW, SHE REALLY DOES CARE.

Fogg's Asylum. Antony is all dappered up and looks slightly terrified. Fogg is played by some Thenardier looking dude, to whom I would NEVER entrust the care of crazy people. Fogg tells Antony that he keeps his 'children' sectioned off by hair color, to which Antony reponds "Um, wtf?" Apparently there's only one hallful of crazy people, since they get to the blonde room in about three steps. At this point in writing, I realized that Sweeney Todd was a movie now. Like, I had this whole revelation. It was extremely weird. PROCEEDING. Johanna is sitting in the room and has a straightjacket on. She looks angry. Thenardier-Fogg grins creepily and starts to cut off Johanna's hair, except OMG Antony whips out a pistol and grabs Johanna. Apparently he has more balls then stage Antony because he doesn't have to make Johanna shoot. Instead, he just lets the crazy people eat Fogg TO DEATH.

I think back at the parlor. Helena Lovett tells Sweeney Depp that she locked Toby in the basement, but he'll go to the law if he gets out. For a little lying orphan, he seems to love the law. Sweeney Depp growls and says that he won't escape. Suddenly, the Beadle shows up. Wasn't he supposed to come to the shop like, months ago? Except he's on official business duty, because the smoke from the chimney smells like ass so he needs to inspect it. He snorts some snuff really disgustingly. But he does not commandeer Helena Lovett's piano, because Sweeney Depp must take him upstairs and make him smell pretty. Helena Lovett smirks.

Toby is still in the cellar. Since he's...you know. Locked in there. He reaches for a pie, and the entire time in the theatre I was like "DON'T DO IT, DON'T EAT THAT PIE." But he does. Nom nom nom- crunch. He reaches into his mouth and pulls out, not a nail, but in fact an ENTIRE TOE. But apparently, finding a whole human toe in his pie isn't suspicious enough, so Toby goes s'ploring round the cellar and sees human skeletons in the fireplace type thing, and then looks at the meat in the grinder. I think he finds like a hand or something, but I wasn't looking because I would have barfed. I think it's a hand. Then- a dead the Beadle comes crashing down. Toby runs to the cellar door and starts pounding on it, yelling really quietly for someone that just ate a person. And so begins the downward spiral.

Helena Lovett and Sweeney Depp rush into the cellar to make sure Toby won't ruin their gig. Except he escaped, because the cellar leads to the catacombs of the city, WHICH THEY ALREADY KNEW. For two people who thought up a way to make people pay to be killed and eaten, they aren't too clever. So they climb into the sewers to scope out the kid, singing very creepily. I would so never go near them if I were Toby. Also, Sweeney Depp is carrying a razor, so you can figure where THAT would go.

Antony and Johanna arrive at the parlor. No one is really sure how Johanna gets sailor's clothes. But Antony is still a more effeminate sailor than her. She says this really creepy thing about how nightmares never go away, and she is seriously the scariest person in this movie. Antony is like "K bye" and runs back outside. I think Johanna has like three lines in this whole movie. She looks at the picture of Lucy and her baby self and it is Very Symbolic. Except then a crazy lady interrupts the symbolism and Johanna leaps into the dead body trunk. The Crazy Beggar Lady is really bad at singing and Sweeney Depp returns after not finding a certain young orphan. He is all "GET OUT OF MY TONSORIAL PARLOR WOMAN WHO I'VE NEVER MET BEFORE EXCEPT RIGHT NOW", except the Crazy Beggar Lady is sure she knows him, mister. But too bad, because Sweeney Depp slashes her throat and Realistic Red Blood pours out of her neck and she is chuted into the cellar. Apparently, Judge Snape does not make a habit of reading his mail when he gets it, since I think it's been a few days since Sweeney Depp sent him the message about his ward. Luckily, though, the sailor did not molest her. Also, he demands Judge Snape get a shave, even though it's rather untimely. But that's okay, because singing about pretty women makes everything better. Judge Snape is all "It's great to find people with fellow tastes" because there must not be a lot of men who like pretty women these days, and Sweeney Depp replies, "Oh yes indeed. Especially those who like the same women." And Judge Snape looks over and is all "Oh, shit." Sweeney Depp screams that he is BENJAMIN BARKER and viciously stabs Judge Snape in the neck with the razor. It seems rather inefficient, since it takes a while for him to stop moving. But then Sweeney Depp slowly walks around in front of the Judge and is all SLASHEDY, and the blood spatters on the screen and the Judge is dropped through the floor.

VENGEANCE IS COMPLETE. Sweeney Depp plays with his razor for the last time- or so it would seem! Johanna creeps out of the trunk but is quickly caught by her crazy father. Sweeney Depp is covered in blood. No joke. His shirt is bright red now. He threatens Johanna with a shave of death, but Helena Lovett's screaming calls him to the cellar. He growls, "Forget my face" and runs out, and the scene is depressing because is this is all Johanna will ever know of her father. Also, it's the last we ever see of Antony or Johanna. D'aw.

The Cellar of vast dead bodies. Helena Lovett is being attacked by an immortal Judge, because numerous stab wounds and a slash to the neck isn't enough to kill people these days. But after a few seconds he gurgles and dies, and Sweeney Depp comes running into the cellar demanding to know why Helena Lovett is screaming. Oh, nothing, just an undead Judge. "Oh, sweet," says Sweeney Depp. He grins creepily and is covered in blood. But what's this, he catches sight of the dead Crazy Beggar Lady.

"OH MY GOD IT'S MY WIFE THAT I TOTALLY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE TEN MINUTES AGO" he screams, taking dead crazy Lucy into his arms. Now that her face is uncovered, you can clearly see the same actress played both Lucy and the Crazy Beggar Lady. Which is awesome. Except Sweeney Depp doesn't think so, and tells Helena Lovett she's a lying whore. She has to agree, but she loved him, dammit! "Actually, it's all good," Sweeney Depp says suddenly. "Really?" asks Helena Lovett. "Sure. Let's dance." They waltz enthusiastically around the cellar, though they are dangerously close to the open oven. And then, the best part in the whole movie happens. The music swells, and Sweeney Depp throws Helena Lovett into the oven with great force, and she bangs against the grates and is promptly set on fire. You watch her burn into almost-skeleton form through the slit in the oven door, and then you just see the fire reflected in Sweeney Depp's eyes as Helena Lovett screams. Defeated, Sweeney Depp drops his razor and shuffles over to his dead Lucy and gathers her up. While this is going on, grubby little fingers reach up through the sewer grate and push the lid up, and out crawls a frightening Toby. He looks like a baby Sweeney Depp. He picks up the razor and slowly...walks...to Sweeney Depp. Said Sweeney Depp lifts his head up, exposing his neck, and Toby angrily slits his throat. The boy walks out, wordless, and Sweeney Depp's blood drips grossly onto Lucy's face. The camera pulls out and focuses on the two, the music trembles and fades, and the screen is black. And this is the most depressing ending to the musical that ever lived.

A/n: Wow, that was longer than necessary. But I figured for those of you who are all against the movie, you could at least get some of it. Seriously, though, it's a great movie. It's really similar to the revival in the darkness of it. And it's appropriately bloody and depressing. So go see it.


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